A moo point, basically …

Arbit/ Random

Who wants to be a President?

with one comment

Unless you’ve been living on a different planet altogether, it is impossible to be unaware of this teeny-weeny thing called the primaries going on in the US. You have the democrats in complete self-sabatouer mode (to quote J.D.), battling it out so hard that you fear the scarred/bruised candidate who wins will be too tired to continue and will go – ‘I would like to defer my candidacy for the next term or when Sen. John McCain pops off, which might very well be like tomorrow.’ McCain in the meantime must be feeling distinctly left out, and has decided to keep himself busy by touring states like Florida. This acts as a massive ego-boost, as that is possible the only place left in the entire country where people address him as ‘Hey Kiddo’.

This whole debate about who is a better candidate, who lies less, who really had to tackle sniper fire, whose laugh is more fake etcetera etcetera – the whole thing seems pretty pointless to me. Why?

Eventually, it’ll boil down to this –

Do I vote for HillRod because/ inspite of her being a white, old woman, for having occcasional bouts of insincerity and an unhealthy obsession for answering late night calls and for ensuring billy ‘the kid’ clinton comes back into the white house and resume his strict internship policies? or

Do I vote for the Obaminator because/ inspite of him being black, possibly Muslim, being associated with crazy-ass reverends, having occasional bouts of verbal diarrhoea and pointing out the bitterness in some states (which still had NOT voted), generally stuttering and stammering and giving people hope for anything and everything?

Things like ‘Plan for the future’, ‘How to tackle the inevitable dollar failure’ etc are not points of differentiation between the two candidates. All this ruckus about NAFTA – I’m sure most Americans don’t know what NAFTA stands for (which is ok, since I am quite ignorant as to what acronyms like ICICI or MCOCA stand for anyway). It doesn’t matter what the candidate’s general awareness is about things outside the American mainland. Everyone is missing a crucial point here – Who is the the average voter? What are his/her/its expectations? And more importantly – what are the things he doesn’t give a rat’s-ass about?

Note that this is the same person who voted to have George Bush in power for two consecutive terms. Seriously, that is like choosing to put a complete d**do in the most powerful position in the world for EIGHT frikkin’ years. I pause for effect here. Dubya’s disapproval rating is at an all time high – seventy percent – but I’m sure he thinks he can do better (Eh? Isn’t 70% like … not much?

Clearly, the average voter finds irrelevant most criteria like Global Awareness (in fact, any awareness in general), things like Decency, Consideration, An iota of conscience, Oratorial skills, Basic grammatical abilities, Consistency, Policy vis-a-vis the Latin American takeover of USnA- all these are just not important, they just don’t matter, they are moo. So then why the elaborate fuss and rigamarole when things could be so much more entertaining?

I hence propose (not entirely in jest) to have a multi-level reality show, where candidates have to go through 3 rounds of competitions/ scenarios  –Air Force One

1. The Air Force One situtation: You are put on a plane which is then kidnapped by the Russian mafia who are too rich to care but still insist that a movie be made out of the incident anyway. This is tougher than it seems, because you might run out of oil midway if the OPEC countries decide to hike the price again or if the american airline industry goes bust.

2. The Independence Day scenario: Where your friendly-Independence Dayneighbourhood alien decides to bomb the White House because it is somewhat ugly and bland. The candidate will be graded on 3 attributes – ability to make awesome inspiring speeches, ability to be totally clueless about which country the alien is from and the ability to fly a plane – by remote control or otherwise.

243. The 24 situation: You have a nucular threat + a terrorist bombing + a rogue agent + a presidential daughter kidnapping + Chinese toys planning a blitzkreig on American markets.  This is still an easy level, because no matter what you do, Jack Bauer will eventually save the day. In case of a tie, all candidates can be tortured by Jack into giving up any information they don’t want to give up – the choice is left entirely to them. This has to be the last round, though, as the losing candidates will have to die a gruesome death, because Jack Bauer knows no mercy. 

Maybe then will America get the president she so badly deserves.


Written by sujaybedekar

May 7, 2008 at 5:23 pm

Posted in politics, US

One Response

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  1. What about the “Deep Impact” test? Inevitable global destruction with the US both as the inevitable ground-zero and possible savior?


    May 10, 2008 at 3:44 pm

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