A moo point, basically …

Actually an assortment of confessions – tikli-tikli ones, if you may.

1. I’ve never quite understood the movie ‘No Country for Old Men.’

Not that I tried really hard, truth be told. It is a bit tough to be that interested in the fate of random people who keep staring at you emotionlessly for 2-3 hours and then just die. I did love the part where the guy in black kills people using a pressurized fire-extinguisher-cylinder thingy by blowing holes in people’s heads. Repeatedly. Sigh, to think that all that killing happens because he is pissed at his hair dresser (possible spoiler alert).

The movie ends with a long monologue which I did not understand even more because a) it was long and endless. It was like that John Galt radio speech from Atlas Shrugged which makes you want to reach out and strangle him or at least flip ahead through FORTY TWO pages. Also; b) i had lost hope by then anyway. It was no country for men of all ages, clearly.

I just realized that I made another mini-confession above – I have not read the John Galt speech from Atlas Shrugged. In all fairness, I cannot claim to have read Ayn Rand well enough to find her boring. Thankfully, fairness and thorough knowledge are not pre-requisites for finding someone boring.

Getting back to the movie – I seriously think that the Oscar folks thought the same way as I did about NCfOM -

Judge1: “Dude, I did not understand that shizzle.”

Judge2: “Dude, I didn’t either. Got balls to admit that?’

Judge1: <Looks down, then up with the same fear in his eyes as the second guy in the movie to be murdered> “Duuuuude!”

J2: “Thought so. Me neither.”

J1: “Let’s give them the Oscar. Then we’ll see who the joke is on, eh?”

J2: “Dude. Srsly. LOL. k.” **

This admission qualifies as a confession btw because previously, in response to ‘Did you like the movie?’, I used to nod sagaciously and murmur with an all-knowing look,”It is a different movie, I know. Not every one likes it.”  That pissed most people off and I most people I met ended up finding the movie quite interesting and thought-provoking. I couldn’t pull off my usual enigmatic stunt however when a colleague said with disarming honesty,” I did NOT like it. I did NOT understand it. It was too boring and I am not dense. What about you?” Different’ just doesn’t work then.

2. I have always sucked at Pac-Man. Glad to have that out of my system. This is a game I’ve played for ages without progressing beyond a few levels (three, to be precise). And this is not something I exaggerate (as I often do) to make it sound funny. There’s something about the ‘waka waka waka’ noise/sound which draws me with its awesomeness like flames drawn to moths or vice-versa. But whenever I see Blinky, Pinky, Inky, and Clyde approaching (yes – those are the names of the coloured ghosts who keep chasing you. Yes – I have Pac-Man trivia although I suck at it) – whenever I see them in my vicinity, my hand-eye coordination just goes bonkers. Maybe I take the game too personally- I don’t quite know what my problem is. Most of the times I lose lives because I sadistically try to eat those buggers when they’re blue and slow and mesmerized by something I ate seconds before, but I always touch them when the spell has just vanished (people who’ve played will sympathize. Empathy is more welcome). This happens all the time – it’s like I’m jinxed or doomed to fail.

In my defense, my entire comp-gaming skill set is limited to Solitaire, Freecell, Snake, Minesweeper (at which i can say with complete immodesty that I totally ROCK!), Need For Speed (in which I got busted by cops while driving an Aston Martin DB myself an improportionately large number of times) and FIFA 07 (which I haven’t played in over 18 months ). The total amount of LAN gaming I’ve done – those multiplayer games like Halo and UT and WoW which are somewhat scary – is not more than 2 hours in all. But still – having Pac-man as my Waterloo kills me bit by bit, everyday.

**The recent movie called Burn After Reading by the directors of NCfOM  is again quite different, actually. I liked it a little bit.

Every time I walk into a room, the first thing my mind pictures is this: How can I throw a rubber ball at one wall, make it bounce off/onto other walls without hitting miscellaneous objects such that it lands perfectly in my hands like a demented boomerang?

Not being able to test different scenarios can sometimes limit my fulfillment, but just imagining different scenarios is by itself quite enjoyable. The very first code I remember writing was to simulate a ball just bouncing around inside a box of any prescribed shape. This was, of course, eons ago, when people used BASIC to be nerdy and by ‘the web’ actually referred to some arachnid creation. It follows, not so surprisingly, that Jeezball (or kBounce if it pleases you) is up there in my list of all-time favourite games.

This interest of mine was piqued ever since I learned that angles of incidence and reflection are always the same for light. Then I discovered how a periscope really works and was completely bowled over. Trying to simulate multiple bouncing of light was tough given the absence of any spare mirrors at home. I hence turned towards the omnipresent cricket ball for solace, and it did not fail me. I now had the unexpected but nevertheless interesting factor of gravity to contend with: the ball doesn’t just move forward and bounce off stuff, but it does this while it is falling constantly! Seriously, how cool is that! (nod and read ahead )

Sadly, real life manifestations of this hobby got severely curtailed after some rather unfortunate incidents. Trying to replicate this in other games like carrom often ended up in me hitting some very complex (and absolutely futile) shot and looking quite silly in the process. But my enthusiasm hasn’t waivered one bit.

I would had kept this thing to myself had xkcd – more specifically Randall Munroe – not given me courage with this gem -

(Ok – Maybe the xkcd bit is just to make this post funny and distract the reader from the aforementioned nuance)

Being a geek is not and will never be fashionable unless you have oodles of cash – even then people will just barely tolerate you and call you ‘eccentric’ instead of ‘weird’. But at least you won’t get ostracized by a civil society (I hope).

So that’s that.

I hereby announce a substantial (albeit negotiable) reward to anyone who can come up with a skinless version of tomatoes. I’m dead serious, and here’s why.

Imagine a normal sandwich with a few tomato slices. Throw in cheese/mayo/extra butter/chicken or whatever it takes to make it more delicious. Picture yourself biting into this sandwich and taste the lip-smacking combination of sauce, salt, pepper and all that you’ve put in. Just as you’re about to swallow this awesome morsel, imagine the supremely irritating tomato skin sliding between your teeth. You try to bite it but it’s like this stupid piece of plastic which refuses to get cut- the plastic of the unacceptable plastic bag variety. In fact, it tastes like that plastic too (let’s ignore the fact that I know what plastic tastes like). It doesn’t make sense to just gulp down this monstrosity, and all that is left is you looking ridiculous with a mouthful of sandwich and tomato skin.

Peeling the skin before putting in the slices is a criminal waste of manpower. Most of the times, by the time you remember this inconvenience, the sandwich is already in the grill. Sorry if this ruined your real/ imaginary sandwich – it ruins mine every single time. I have nothing against tomatoes but their skin seriously freaks me out. Call me a tomato-racist if you must, but the substantial offer still stands.

Also, I sincerely hope no one is (was) eating a sandwich while reading this. Bon Apetit.