Archive for June 16th, 2011
A-Zee
After months of internal haggling, fatwa politics, boardroom battles and a lot of back-stabbing (and a couple of suicide bombings), the Al-Qaeda has finally named Egyptian Al-Zawahiri as Leader after Bin Laden’s Death. With the ending of this phase of uncertainty, Al-Qaeda stocks (KSE ticker: AQH) surged by 53%. (source: BBG)
"Who's #1? I'm #1! Who's the man? Ay-man!"
S&P upgraded Al-Qaeda to a punchy ‘B’ rating with Outlook Positive, making it a better investment than Pakistan and Greece. Explaining the upgrade, an analyst said, “A-Zee brings with him a dearth of experience in the bombing and terrorism domain. His natural savviness on the camera has been amply demonstrated, and his appointment is a shot in the arm (literally) for recent efforts towards attracting disgruntled youth whose numbers are going up each day. His contacts among the Taliban and the ISI make him the perfect pick to help AQH usher in a new era in Infidel-cleansing and Jihadism.”
A-Z issued a eulogy for his predecessor last week, saying he had terrified the US by hiring those kamikaze pilots a decade ago and will continue to do so in death. He then let slip that Mr. Obama had in fact died three years ago of gonorrhea, but then tried to cover it up by saying ‘lol jk’. A-Z declared his intention to follow in the footsteps of Mr Laden and to bring glory to his name. “To show my commitment, I promise to double my harem by the end of this week. I will also update the stash of porn Master Commander Laden ji had. My biggest regret will be that he was unable to see all the glorious new stuff out there.”
A wikileaks spokesman had this to say on the new development – “Told ya.” To which someone said – “Who asked you?”
